Sapphire and Faded Jeans

Yes Maybe suggested that I post more. It is a Saturday night and I am sitting alone with not much on my head and a weariness in my bones. Can you think of a better time to blog? I can. But I will proceed nonetheless.

Today I started my first day at Gap. It was exciting, mostly just very hectic and all a bit disoriented. I have noticed that when I'm nervous I speak softer. How odd. My feet hurt quite a bit, but hopefully that will go away. Mostly I just like being surrounded by wonderful clothes that I cannot afford. The people are nice, and I say that because I don't really know them enough to use better adjectives. So it goes.

What is it about clothes that give women such a sense of security? I know I succumb to it like most other women--I like looking good. When I look good, I feel good; the strange thing is that I have to be feeling good before I can look good. But is it really all superficial? Is it all in the mind? Probably. Cavewomen wore animal skins and never combed their hair but does that mean they didn't have a sense of fashion? Is it all contrived now by people who need something to do, who need to create a new market to publicize?

I suppose men have this, too: the feeling of uniqueness defined in a single glance by a passerby. Our appearance is our first impression, isn't it? No matter how much people deny that they care about what other people think, I don't really believe it. I mean, I don't care about the people who think I'm lame because I don't make ___X____ stupid decisions. But I do care about what my boss thinks of me, what the Senators I will approach think of me, what the people I work with on a regular basis think of me. So who are we trying to impress when we dress up? I think it's an intrinsic thing, that we dress mainly for ourselves. It is the easiest way to placate our nagging self-consciousness; by creating a sense of style that is in harmony with our image of ourselves, the image we want to project, and the "uniqueness" factor compared to others.

But that begs the questioning of the people who have 6437 pairs of Uggs, or buy the same clothes from the same stores. What image do they project? How can they feel secure/unique when the people they surround themselves with are replicas of themselves?

My sense of self-worth shouldn't be defined externally, and I am well aware of it. But, the insecure teenage girl inside of me (who, I am slowly discovering, will never leave me as I age) still feels the need to fit in/stick out in order to define myself. I have always considered myself a confident person, but I get a little boost, a little pick-me-up, when I know I look "good."

I put make-up on everyday, and always think about how I "don't really need it" but then battle over how ugly I think I would look without it. (Do not contest it: you haven't seen me when I wake up early in the morning.) I look in the mirror and all I can point out are my imperfections. At the same time, I live my life with the comfort that I may not be the most anything: beautiful, thin, intelligent, whatever, but I like to think that I am beautiful, that I am no less gorgeous than people I see everyday.



girl, put your records on
tell me your favorite song
you go ahead--let your hair down
sapphire and faded jeans
i hope you get your dreams
just go ahead--let your hair down
you're gonna find yourself somewhere--
somehow